1987 Toyota Celica Turbo All-Trac / A lesson learned the hard way.
$20,000 ︎ 114k
12/2021
I find myself ruminating at length after flipping my car, not just rowing a single flow but arriving there via several streams. The loss of a car placed in all the ontological frames; perhaps there would be a religious angle, too, if I had that mindset.
Emotional
Philosophical
Experiential
Emotional:
I've had my heart broken a few times by relationships but never by an object. I didn't even know it was possible until I felt a familiar pang of loss the day after the crash. Having been married for a while, I didn't recognize it at first. And then I realized it was the "I so completely fucked this situation that now I'm getting broken up with" feeling. A realization that the emotional investment could no longer pay off, that there was a void where the focus had gone. Loss baby!
I imagine we all anthropomorphize our cars from time to time (we call them "She" or even give them proper names), but with that comes a kind of mystical belief that we might somehow affect their well being with our goodwill, that a mechanical assembly can respond to our love. It's not surprising. We think about them when they aren't around, planning the next performance upgrade or cosmetic change. We lovingly wash them with a delicate and sensitive caress, hyperaware of every flaw. We invest ourselves in them.
The Celica was not the car to which I've given the most physical effort, but Jesus, did I spend a lot of time researching parts, trying to find info on forums, and scouring junkyards attempting to find trim and such that could make it just a bit more pretty. It's not surprising that partners can find themselves jealous of their mate's mobile.
Seeing it upside down on the road was one kind of loss, a question of " where does all that energy go, what was it for?" But the thing that I found harder to name is a broader sensation of sudden ambivalence as the value of the entire automotive endeavor. Does this emotional investment make sense for any car? With limited time and energy, should one put this much effort into something that can so suddenly be nullified that in all actuality can't love you back?
-Aaron